Weapons of Math Instruction
A public school teacher was arrested today as he attempted to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a recruiter
for the notorious Al-Gebra movement, seeking to draft new members for the organization.
The man, who is a member of an underground dry cell group, has been charged by the FBI with battery and with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "We've been working to get the right angle into their organiztion for some time. It has taken an equilateral effort from all law enforcement agencies in order to triangulate onto this organization. It's been tough scalene on a steep and slippery slope."
"They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns' but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
When asked to comment on the arrest, the President said, "As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle.'"
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." He also accused the Al-Gebrans of being rich and greedy. "Everyone wants some pi. We want to take their pi, and then we want a slice of the pi."
A spokesperson from the Pythagorean School of Theorems stated "It's a sine of the end times."
He also warned that now is not the time to be cosigning any loans.