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Russian Civil War

Today, Boris Yeltsin send many, many tanks into the Russian State/Province/ Whatever of Chechnya, in order to quell a rising rebellion there. I have a hard time putting into words just how much this sort of thing excites me.

I mean, when this sort of thing happens, for a few days, boring articles on interest rates and slain serial killers are banished from the front page. In their place, there are big, colorful, exciting diagrams of huge, pointy, phallic arrows representing tanks ravaging the edges of a nation, like big, needle-sperm ravaging the ovum that is a sovereign nation, in order that the fertilization of violent overthrow can take place, and nine months later, you get the baby of world domination. It's all very metaphorical, and cool.

And, before long, I realized that that sort of thing is exactly what this country is missing. Our states are docile, easily cowed things, just row upon row of veal calves, lined up in front of the leather wearing nun that is our federal government. Where is their guts? Their balls? Their desire for independence, for BLOOD!?!! I mean, REALLY!!?!

So, speaking as the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party, I, when you elevate me to power, will do everything I can to foment revolutionary fervor within the states. This will prevent complacence, as we engage in one big, bloody, bitchin' civil war after another.

And best of all, the practice will harden our troops, making them are buff and bronzed in preparation for the formation of the First American Empire. I have spoken.

Scorched Earth Party-

"Because 130 years between civil wars is far too fucking long."

- Jeff Vogel Scorched Earth Party


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