Scorched Earth Party:
Why We Need More Reality TV
Speaking as the presidential candidate of the Scorched Earth Party, the
political party which dares to tell the truth, as long as "telling the
truth" means "visiting painful death on those we hate", it is time that
I broke my silence on a political controversy that roils this great lands
of ours. No, not campaign finance reform or tax cuts. I mean something
that's actually relevant to the American People. I'm talking about Reality
It is, at this point, commonly accepted fact that Reality Television
is one of the most marvelous things that has happened to the American
people in decades. Practically every American firmly believes that we
need more Reality Television shows as soon as possible. The problem is
that most people don't realize exactly why this is necessary.
It is simple. A few ignorant, moist sob-sisters have observed that watching
real people struggle against each other and make each other suffer is
no more than the modern equivalent of the gladiatorial games of ancient,
decadent Rome. Except that, instead of good, honest butchery with tridents,
we have young urban professionals with great abs scheming against each
other, or whatever.
But this argument carries in it the implicit assumption that emulating
the ancient Romans is a BAD thing. It is this sort of foolishness that
makes me want to abandon the American people and retreat to the hills
to continue work on my Cancer Gun. The Romans built a major Bad-Ass empire
that lasted for 500 years! The Romans were so cool that even today we
make movies about them, big movies with bankable stars, which get nominated
for Academy Awards and everything. They ruled the world! They nailed Jesus
to a tree! They stomped on the Celts! And they achieved all of their great
works while drinking water out of lead pipes!
The Romans had it together, man!
Boy, if we were more like the Romans, we would be set. No more bloated,
lazy Canada, sucking away our life blood like a tick on the belly of a
dog. We'd send our centurions up there, make the place State 51, and their
gouging our wallets for maple syrup will be a thing of the past.
So if reality television is what it takes to bring us closer to this
great heritage, so be it.
And, of course, when the other shoe drops and we actually have gladiatorial
combat to the death in our mighty sports arenas, so much the better. It
will provide us a way to properly utilize one of our nation's greatest
natural assets: homeless people.
Haven't you ever walked past a bum, sitting on the street in a pool of
his own sick, and thought, "Wow. Death would be a better fate than that."
-- - Jeff Vogel, Keeper of Avernum, Spiderweb Software,
Like computer games? A great fantasy adventure awaits you here.