This page contains a highly subjective selection of the finest writings to ever appear on this web site. Now you don’t have to sort through all of the chum in the archives. Just read and savor. Mmmmm …

Greatest Hits

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1

ByspidwebJan 13, 20212 min read
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1

THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1 Professor Vogel. 5 Questions, 60 Minutes. You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon. The speed of light is c. Show all work. For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D. No praying during…

The Lord of the Rings: A Brief, Correct Analysis

ByspidwebDec 14, 20204 min read
The Lord of the Rings: A Brief, Correct Analysis

If you saw the Lord of the Rings movies, like me, and you thought it kicked total ass, you are a right-thinking person. Not the Hobbit trilogy, which was overlong, exhausting, and terrible, but the proper movies. However, if you saw Fellowship of the Ring and so on, there are…

Helpful, Non-Threatening Quiz: Am I a Serial Killer?

ByJeff VogelDec 3, 20204 min read
Helpful, Non-Threatening Quiz: Am I a Serial Killer?

As anyone who has been paying attention knows, the most important single element holding American culture together is serial killers. Those crafty fellows are everywhere, with their wily ways, their suave manner, and their masks made of skin. There are crafty serial killers. Spooky serial killers with private cities built…

The Story About the Toddler, Epilogue.

ByspidwebOct 6, 20207 min read

Four years ago, my first child was born, so I started these journals. Four days ago, my second child was born, so I’m pretty much stopping. I think that everything anyone can possibly reasonably say about the experience of creating human life, I have now said. Except for a few…

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 32.

ByspidwebOct 6, 20207 min read

Our daughter Cordelia is four now, and I’m just about through with writing about her. She just had her birthday party. It was a regular kid party, with her friends and cake and the parents of her friends sitting around and making awkward conversation. No fights. Nobody secretly boning anyone…

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 31.

ByspidwebOct 6, 20206 min read

My daughter Cordelia is almost four years old. My potential daughter, [NAME TO BE DETERMINED LATER], is negative-three months old. The holiday seasons are grinding to a merciful close. Cordelia is now old enough to fully appreciate Christmas. Not Christmas in the traditional sense, that of remembering the alleged birthday…

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 30.

ByspidwebOct 6, 20206 min read

Our daughter Cordelia is three years and ten months old, and these journals are rapidly winding to a close. Cordelia has pretty much transformed herself from a baby into a person. And you know how boring people are. She’s a kid. She can play on her own. Make things from…

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 29.

ByspidwebOct 6, 20209 min read

As of this writing, our daughter Cordelia has just turned 45 months old. (A bit over three and a half years, for those who don’t care enough to work through the math.) She is just reaching the point where the exact number of months doesn’t make a big difference in…

The Story About the Toddler, Volume 28.

ByspidwebOct 6, 202011 min read

Our daughter Cordelia is three and a half years old. She is more human all the time. And I mean that, of course, in the bad way. We can have unending conversations that take this form: “Daddy, give me that.””No.””Daddy, give me THAT.””No.””Daddy, give me … that.””No.” And so on.…